How to save the world (When you’re not really good at it)

Millions of people would love to make the world a better place but lack the philanthropic chops to do so. Some people are not naturally caring and empathetic. So we compensate for this by marrying people who are. Some people are not naturally pleasant. So we compensate for this by marrying people who are. Some people are not naturally oriented toward aiding the infirm, tending to the elderly, protecting the environment, ensuring that everyone gets a fair shake. So we marry people who are.

Years of being a moral parasite have taught me one valuable lesson: If you can’t make the world a better place, you can at least stop making it worse. Seventy-five percent of success in the world of philanthropy is achieved not by getting good people to come out and do good things but by getting bad people to stay home. Here, then, are a few proven strategies for improving the human condition when you are basically a rank amateur:

• Chauffeur the virtuous. If you can’t make the world a better place but you know people who can, offer to drive them wherever they’re going to improve the human condition. Study after study shows that a lot of really good people do not have driver’s licenses, and would appreciate a lift, even if this livery service for the virtuous is provided by the vile.
• Tip everybody for everything. Tipping is the easiest way for not-naturally-nice people to give back because it makes the tipper feel better about himself, is completely tax-deductible, and is an effective way to get rid of pennies.
• Ride public transportation. Think of all the bad things that result from driving a car: depletion of the ozone layer, smog, road rage, congestion, damage to our infrastructure. Not to mention accidents. Then think of how all these social ills could be averted if more people started riding public transportation. If all the bad people in the world would only use public transportation, we wouldn’t need as many good people. That’s because it is almost impossible to do anything harmful to the human condition while riding light commuter rail.
• Just stay in bed. Most of the world’s ills are caused not because so many people got out on the wrong side of the bed, but because so many morally neutral people got out of bed at all. If you’re not naturally inclined toward performing good works, try spending more time in the sack. It cuts traffic, reduces the number of morally ambivalent people out there, and just generally makes it easier for the virtuous to get on with their business. Nothing is more demoralizing to those attempting to save the world than the smirks and catcalls of the congenitally grumpy.
• Take up virtue as a hobby. Ordinary people are terrified that if they start doing one thing to make the world a better place, they’ll have to do it 24 hours a day like Angelina Jolie or Ben & Jerry. But if you can just get yourself to think of virtue as a hobby, like whittling or Scottish country dancing, you can limit the amount of time you spend saving the world to about 45 minutes a week. I get by with a half-hour.
• Put a sock in it. I’ve had to learn this the hard way, but if you can’t say something nice – and who can? – it’s better not to say anything at all. If people of a non-messianic disposition would simply shut up and stop making snide comments about Al Gore and Sting and Bono, bona fide do-gooders could get on with their mission to save the planet and we’d all be living in Paradise. That’s right: No more snide comments from this quarter. None.