Difficult people – who hasn’t experienced them? There’s the one who constantly interrupts you during a conversation. Or the one who’s friendly and deferential with management but downright rude to support staff. And then there’s the one who tries to pass off sarcastic comments as humorous when they are, in fact, hurtful.

You can find them anywhere – in your Rotary club and in your family, at work and at the mall. Often, it’s best to avoid them. But when you can’t, the better you know how to deal with them, the more effective you can be.

There are two basic types of difficult people, says Jim Miller, a member of the Rotary Club of Indianapolis and a clinical social worker who runs the Beej Business, a consulting firm that works with nonprofit groups. “Some people are consistently difficult because of their defensive or controlling personalities,” Miller explains. “Others surprise us when their normally cooperative manner stiffens because some situation challenges a deeply held principle within them.”

How to spot one

Miller sees difficult people as those who stand so firmly by their opinions and positions – on anything from club expenses to executive decisions – that they simply refuse to listen to others or yield when they’re wrong. He recalls a board meeting where, he says, “one guy brought up a matter that wasn’t on the agenda. Even though no one supported him, he aggressively lobbied others in the parking lot after the meeting, trying to convince them of the importance of his position and enlist their commitment to it.”

Troublesome people share certain traits, says Stan Kapuchinski, a psychiatrist in Punta Gorda, Fla., USA, and author of the book Say Goodbye to Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individual). Their need for attention makes them good manipulators, keeping you hooked by playing on your own insecurity or guilt. And, as an attempt to control you, they can make you miserable.

How do people get this way? “It’s a mix of nature and nurture,” Kapuchinski says. “Some of it’s how they’re wired. Some of it’s having been exposed to certain behaviors during their upbringing, then emulating those.”

Of course, even the best of us can be difficult sometimes. “People’s behavior changes given the context and relationship,” says Rick Brinkman, coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst. “You’re likely to be difficult when you’re under stress or not getting what you need.” Underneath that behavior can also lie feelings of helplessness, anxiousness, or a lack of control.

The magnitude of the issue is sometimes in the eye of the beholder. “If the person drives you crazy, you perceive them as difficult,” continues Brinkman. “Someone else could experience the same behavior and not be bothered by it.”

If the person irks you consistently, though, you’re probably not alone. “I see the real problem with difficult people when they’re in leadership positions,” says Donna Denio, a member of the Rotary Club of Winchester, Mass., USA, and cofounder of the Center for Balance by Design, a company that helps organizations improve teamwork. “Instead of requesting someone to do something, they give orders.”

How to deal with one

Whether the difficult people in your life are fellow Rotarians or co-workers, you can bet their behavior is negatively affecting your club or business. The sooner you work to change the situation, the better. When it comes to dealing with these people, Denio suggests having someone in leadership speak to them privately. “One of the qualities of a leader is to be able to have difficult conversations with people,” she notes.

Miller’s first rule of thumb is listening to the person who’s causing the problem. “Try to get past their personality and behavior and to the issue, to what’s behind the person’s position,” he says. “Is there any validity to their point of view that you can possibly support? Also, operate on the presumption that they’re acting sincerely for the benefit of the club or company. This calms the conversation and allows you to try to discover common ground.” Then, he suggests, respond on a rational, rather than an emotional, level and show consideration and respect instead of irritation or frustration.

Denio recommends avoiding certain topics if you know that’s where the difficulty lies. Leaders and managers, she says, should “keep the person who’s causing the friction away from activities where he or she has to interact closely with others.”

As long as there are difficult people in the world, you’re bound to cross paths with them from time to time. And when you do, take advantage of what Rotary offers. “Far better than most organizations I know of, Rotary accepts others’ differences and finds the best in everybody – including those who are difficult,” says Miller. “As Rotarians, we can set our differences aside and find common ground with each other, so we can work together on achieving the higher objective of our common goals.”