People used to know what a mentor was, but the term has fallen into disuse. They still exist and are very useful people to have in your corner as you make your way through your work life. The mentoring process has less in common with telling someone what to do than it does with teaching them what to do.

What is a mentor and do you need one?

Ulysses had it easy when he entrusted the education and well-being of his son, Telemachus, to an Ithacan gentleman he called Mentor, largely because that was his name. The name Mentor has since morphed into a verb that means – in a business setting – the act or process of helping someone younger or less experienced to learn the ropes. A mentor not only shows you the ropes, but might also give you some lessons on how those ropes are tied, how they sometimes get tangled, and how to avoid hanging yourself with them.

How do you spot a mentor?

Instead of looking for the most talkative person in the room, notice the person who elevates the discussion to a higher or more interesting level. This person may have the vexing habit of pointing out a fundamental issue or problem that others have failed to acknowledge. A mentor is often modest but quietly carries lot of weight. 

How do you sign up?

Mentors and mentees gravitate toward one other. They may not even be aware of their relationship until it has gone on for a while. It is the obligation of the younger person to seek out a mentor and keep the relationship going. You do this by keeping in touch and exploiting each opportunity to engage the mentor. It’s reasonable and expected to take your mentor to lunch.

Is a mentor the same as a friend?

Often, the features of each type of relationship overlap. But a mentor is not someone with whom you routinely share your personal thoughts and feelings. To do that would dilute the relationship. Besides, you have friends to whom you can complain  A mentor should see you at your best. You should mentally suit up for this person and share your finely honed critical thinking. You offer up the problems that vex you, not simply annoy you. Playwright David Mamet gives drafts of his plays to Nobel Prize-winner Harold Pinter..

Is it wise to have your boss serve as your mentor?

That would be a definite maybe. It’s tricky being candid with someone who has the power to fire you. On the other hand, the mentor who is also the boss may be inspired to look after you during rough times and reward you lavishly during good times.

When Michael J. Cavanaugh started working for Travelers Insurance, Jamie Dimon was his boss. Dimon has a reputation for being a fierce taskmaster. Cavanaugh proved to be a gifted and resourceful workhorse. Later, when Dimon took over Bank One he brought Cavanaugh along and transformed that company into the powerhouse that is JPMorgan Chase. Cavanaugh is now the CFO of Chase, and it was his announcement that Chase was buying out Bear Stearns that single-handedly quieted the credit markets and avoided a meltdown of our financial system. Dimon could have made the announcement, but he didn’t. Mentors don’t need the spotlight.

Should you look to the opposite gender for mentoring?

It is an unfortunate fact that any enhanced relationship between a businesswoman and a businessman who is her senior – or vice versa – creates speculation. Therefore, it is especially tricky for someone to acquire a mentor of a different gender. These relationships can and do work, but it can require extra effort to keep focused. Many people find it easier and more productive to find a female mentor.

What if you outgrow your mentor?

This happens all the time. Sometimes you rise farther in your field than your mentor ever did. That’s an example of good mentorship. Sometimes your mentor will disappoint you, and that’s fine too. Never accuse your mentor of being outdated, out of touch, or just plain wrong. That would be rude, and possibly inaccurate. Always keep the relationship if you can. If necessary, find yourself a new mentor to help you achieve new challenges you have set for yourself. Some people have successive generations of mentors who have helped them during their career. Mentors, active or retired, deserve your continued respect and appreciation.

Perhaps some day you will find yourself confronted by some kid who seems especially eager to find out what you think and know. That’s how it works. And when  you are asked to go to lunch, accept the invitation. You probably have information more useful than you will ever know.