Your Voice, Your Solution for dealing with difficult people

At 8:55AM on 13 September 2010, Okotete Sarah wrote: D member being an active member, may have grudges against some members or d club. He may have felt neglected or ignored during times of trial. A committee shld be set up 2 investigate why he behaves that way & make amendment if there is any 2 be made. If there is non, lectures shld always be given on 2 much criticism & positive thinking. In whatever means we employ, we must always observe d 4way test.

At 10:48AM on 30 June 2010, Jeanette Burgess wrote: This was my question and the member does have a role as Service Chair. He never agrees with anyone else's ideas, is loud and rude, and doesn't beleive in the 4 Way Test. Thank you all for your suggestions. My solution is to leave Rotary myself as I cannot tolerat this sort of behaviour any longer.

At 2:03PM on 15 June 2010, Lisa Morales wrote: There are four things to always remember when dealing with our Rotary Family: 1. Is it the TRUTH? 2. It is FAIR to all concerned? 3. Will it build GOODWILL and better FRIENDSHIPS? 4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned? When dealing with any club issue you can answer these questions with out reservation, then you can rest assured you have handled it the Rotarian Way.

At 9:51AM on 10 June 2010, Rick Shuttleworth wrote: A point not mentioned is the Past President who will not let go. This may be because he/she enjoyed the exposure, or because he/she can now push policy without bearing the ultimate responsibility. A similar situation exists with the older member who cites "tradition" as a motivating factor for an idea or a negative approach. The idea of giving that person responsibility does not address this particular issue. Perhaps it should be dealt with in PETS or mini conferences or PRLS seminars. It can have a significant impact on newly elected officers in a club, and demotivate people from making themselves available for office.

At 9:01AM on 1 June 2010, Pervez Peter wrote: Let's first get soen to the root of the problem. The criticism prone attitude develops in majority of people when there is a feeling of being left out or ignored. The capacity to tolerate the both varies from person to person. Things to do may include the following: 1. Always catch'em saying/doing something positive. No matter however meager/minute it may be. 2. project the postive to a reasnable level. 3. Try spot best among the worst. 4. involve'em extensively in socialization, planning, and consultation. 4. Ask to expound his proposals/suggestion/point of view etc. This way he/she/they'll feel integral part of the Club.

At 8:54AM on 1 June 2010, DIEGO A. ARIAS wrote: if the person is in negative mood, and not seems to be sold to the idea being discussed, then let him voiced his idea and let him execute.

At 8:53AM on 1 June 2010, PP Ricardo "Ric" A. Santos RC San Juan West, D-3800, Phils. wrote: Criticisms, whether positive or negative, must be encouraged in all discussions of Rotary activities. That is to assure a healthy deliberation of issues on hand. We should bear in mind that Rotarians have different cultures and experiences in life before they joined the Rotary Club. A negative criticism, no matter how skeptical it is, must be accepted and noted. The Chairman or Presider of the Meeting, however, should not allow anyone to monopolize the discussion and must stick to the agenda and be guided by the objective/s of the activity, limited human and financial resources and other constraints of the Club. There will always be a negative thinker ("devil's advocate?") in a group.His comments are of equally important to be considered because others might have overlooked some points somewhere. Any discussions will have to be settled in the end by numbers (majority wins.) But, we can all agree that sometimes we have to disagree at some points, can't we?.

At 8:48AM on 1 June 2010, Jeannie Ferrara wrote: Being in public relations, I have often seen this scenario among volunteer fundraising committees. The team leader (generally the committee chair) is often appointed by the president of the club. Every so often, there is a volunteer/member that is convinced that he, or she has more experience and is better qualified for the the leadership position (sometimes this is true, sometimes not). In this scenerio, there is no mention if whether or not the member that is not happy with the club direction is qualified to make such statements. Unfortunately, all too often those that are not qualified, but looking for a boost to their own self-esteem, and have ulterior motives of personal status gain are generally the ones that make "scenes" such as this. In this scenerio, if one were to note the "you" language inferred, it would be difficult as a team leader to not become defensive. However, again, in my experience, this is a matter of personal self-esteem, and confidence in one's own abilities, leadership style, expertise, and from which form of power the leadership is from (expert, referent, or legimate). By understanding that this type of interuption is coming from the member's willingness to dominate, block progress, and is unethically irresponsible (interupting the agenda); it is a little easier to use self-talk to get (my) emotions in check. To begin, I would acknowledge the person's concerns, and ask the person if we can talk after the meeting, that we are really trying to stick to the agenda (out of courtesy for everyone's time). Following the meeting itself, I would have a heart-to-heart conversation and seek a positive resolution to the tension (cooperative style). Reference Beebe, S. & Masterson, J. (2006) Communicating in Small Groups: Principles and Practices, Eighth Edition, Published by Allyn and Bacon. Pearson Education, Inc.

At 8:47AM on 1 June 2010, GururajanCS wrote: just give him a responsibility of his choice. Either he performs or quits and generally , the former . either way the is benefited.

At 11:42AM on 26 May 2010, Dinesh Pandya wrote: A member, who always sits at back and make a point to note for most of the subjects being discussed. He simply either divert the subject or speaks some 'not-good' points. As President as lot more to do...at first let SAA or Club Admin Chair directs him that his opinion is not good for club, let us talk positive. Later on, President should request him to accept responsibility as Project Chair. Normally such member try to avoid and not willing to take any post. Time and again, requesting him to accept responsibility will force him either to perform or sit quite.

At 11:41AM on 26 May 2010, Rtn.Suryanarayana SV -Chair, Rotary Volunteers, District 3150, India, rotarian@suryanarayana.com wrote: I agree with the comment "Rotarians who feel ignored or not involved in club activities do tend to become critical." In order to keep-up the Rotary spirit in such members, taking written feedback frequently works. Allow such member to express, talk about and ventilate views not only during Members' meetings but also invite such member to the Board or Committee meetings. As some one said understand such critical member than to make him understand.

At 11:40AM on 26 May 2010, sharon jones wrote: I do think that people who are constantly critical are having problems with the way things are. There is a problem here somewhere and someone needs to help locate and name it so that the group can move forward. Always remember, this person had a reason for joining the group in the first place. What has changed? Does this person feel slighted because he/she hasn't been chosen for a leadership position? Most of the time if you give the person a job,(I'm not sure I would make them President), and some reponsibility they will make a turn around and become a valuable member. Most of the time I think they just need to feel they belong. They joined the group to belong. Why don't they still feel part of the group?

At 11:00AM on 25 May 2010, Rtn.Ruchir Agarwal wrote: The critical member could be specially invited to the meeting to give a simple talk on his proffesion or hobby.It workssssssss !!

At 11:01AM on 25 May 2010, Rtn. C.J. Singh, Rotary Club Chandigarh wrote: A critical member, at times, requires attention. Accept and acknowledge the critical comment, and ask the Rotarian to suggest the solution. How we can do it differently? May be you get a fresh perspective. And if a person is critical or negative just for the sake of it, asking for a solution would silence him at least. However, we need to look at every comment positively, and not subjectively, and seek suggestions. Rotarians who feel ignored or not involved in club activities do tend to become critical. So be open to LISTEN.

At 11:01AM on 25 May 2010, Trudy Montgomery 1160 wrote: I may stir things up a little here. Perhaps the problem is more how we are looking at this problem? What does Rotary mean to this man? Has anyone asked him? More and more the idea of ‘The family of Rotary’ is promoted within our organisation. How many people have you thrown out of your family lately? So assume we are talking about a family member here – what way would you treat that situation? Talk it out? Shout, perhaps cry, hopefully come out laughing, but always with a better understanding, if not total agreement. In a lot of cases, I have heard of perhaps an older member of a club becoming slightly negative/critical. Why is this? – there must be a reason, especially if that person, had previously been a very active member. A lot is changing within our society and within Rotary and we are told we must embrace this change – adapt or die… This is of course true, we must. Change is not easy for all of us however. The newer, perhaps younger members have grown up with change, and the pace of the world dictates that we must now continually ‘adapt or die’ within business. But what of those, who have held dear values for many years. Perhaps they fear that the newer members do not have the same respect for Rotarian etiquette. This long term, hard working Rotarian may just fear that something is being lost within his club. He may have a genuine worry which perhaps he thinks may not be seen as valid. The truth is, that anything which is making someone feel bad about a situation, is a valid problem and it must be aired. I have always felt that occasionally it would be good for Rotarians to remind themselves why they became involved in Rotary. Perhaps every so often, speak on what Rotary means to them personally. If this was the case, perhaps this person would feel reassured that whilst whatever it was, was not being done the way he would have done it himself, the important thing would be that it is being done for exactly the same reason. At the end of the day, that is all we can ask. As with family, these problems need talked out. Have more social gatherings to ‘bond’ members. Don’t make this person President to keep him too busy to be critical as has been suggested, don’t give him a job just to keep him out of the way – the rot will just get deeper and still cause problems in the end. Set him a task! Why not get this person to be a Speaker at his club for a day. Tell the club how he feels about Rotary, what Rotary means to him, how he believes things should be done and why. The members may not agree with him still, but they will understand him better. If that does not work, or this person is then deemed only to be disruptive because he likes to be, then the situation should still have a natural end. That is if everyone else in the club have bonded, and truly views their fellow members as family, because that is a bond which is very difficult to break, even with a disruptive member. A wise man once told me that there are more casualties within Rotary due to ‘friendly fire’ than for any other reason. (Hi Frank!) I believe this to be true. We must bear in mind what it is we are actually supposed to be all about. Go back to basics. Rotary family values. Start from there again and we’ll be fine.

At 8:36AM on 18 May 2010, Patrick Giles wrote: Treat the individual (& others) as you would like to be treated. The range of positive manner suggested by others is laudable as it shows respect. However, trying to control someone by making them President or dumping them into an "educational" role is rarely a long term solution and it denies other members a chance to grow. If you remain unhappy, tell the club & walk away - life is too short.

At 12:56PM on 17 May 2010, Deborah Russell wrote: After asking the critical member their suggestions for alternatives, if they are still deflating the atmosphere by their behavior, I would have the leadership privately speak to him about why he seems so unhappy with the workings of the club. I also would use this opportunity, once rapport is established in this sidebar, to express to him how his behavior affects others. I would certainly stress to this person how valuable their contributions and membership have been, but let them know there's a fly in the ointment. If that doesn't work, (naming the elephant in the room), I think the leadership really needs to decide if the affect of this person is worth the toll on the rest of the club.

At 9:14AM on 17 May 2010, Roger Bailey wrote: July 1st is near! Pres elect should ask the Rtn. to serve as deputy chair on a challenging committee, under a strong and experienced member. If refusal, ask his/her opinion as to his/her future in Rotary, and where it would be best for him /her to serve in the upcoming year and beyond.

At 9:14AM on 17 May 2010, Dipak B Thakore wrote: Reg Critical member: The Rotary clubs today face twin problems of reducing and inactive members.The member under reference is positive in being active and negative on being excessively critical which often decreases the pleasure of working of other members.It would be advisable to bring to notice of the person by a core group of his behaviour and if necessary remove him from committees.

At 9:15AM on 17 May 2010, kiran shah wrote: I m sure the best remedy in this regard is to udnderstand the difficult member ratherthan making him understand.

At 9:15AM on 17 May 2010, Dr.Essam Eldin Abdel-Azim (Rotary Garden City, Egypt) wrote: Make him a president or a director to one of the committees that is compatible with his personality and interests. Everyone can be beneficial whatsoever his negatives !

At 9:16AM on 17 May 2010, Rtn Magan jugurnauth wrote: Having a member who is critical about the club plans is not always a bad thing. Will Duke said it earlier on. This will keep the President and his Board members on their toes. But if that member is repeatedly negative about the club then the matter needs much more serious attention. He may represent the voice of a silent dissident move from a group of members. You may find your club attendance going down and a general lack of interest and participation in club projects. An open heart "mea culpa" exercise (open brainstorming) has to be carried out to save the club. This can lead to the departure of some members including the President or other board members or the dissident member. This is all ther better for the club's future.

At 9:12AM on 14 May 2010, Rtn.Sanjay Salvi wrote: What else needs to b written by me when Mr.Pepito M Ruiz has written in his comment, includes everything that can b done in r/o that kind of member. Not only in ROtary but even in every organisation there r three types of people, 1.Who favours the motion, 2. Opposes, 3. Neutral. As per the situation the things change.

At 9:18AM on 12 May 2010, Pepito M. Ruiz wrote: If such member is politely critical to club matters being laid down or discussed, then, try to solicit his reasons "why" and "what he can suggest" to get through with the plans. If not, pay a visit to his residence and talk to him cordially in a "one on one" discussion on what must be done to make the plans of the club be successfully and collectively implemented. By such courtesy, surely, you can altogether save both your friendship, his active membership and his active participation in all the future undertakings of your club.

At 11:16AM on 11 May 2010, Don Idler wrote: I like the suggestions listed especially the make him president one. We have found that involvement means the most and like has been said before, get him involved in a project he is interested in.

At 10:44AM on 10 May 2010, Simon Fulber wrote: I feel it is important to understand why someone has a negative outlook on plans. By showing interest in their point of view, it may reveal the rationale behind their negativity. Understanding the why can help you strategize how to move forward with integrating the member into club planning and work. We need to check our assumptions out before we "deal" with the problem.

At 10:43AM on 10 May 2010, Karen Crouse wrote: Negativity is nourished by the past. Therefore, for me, the best way to handle it is to first acknowledge the individuals discomfort, face to face, tell him that I appreciate the anxiety he is feeling and make a sincere effort to get him to "unload" his fears. I then immediately engage his input on the topic being discussed. During the discussion I wait for any input from him that is positive. When I see it, I acknowledge the value of his wisdom, experience etc. I have found that more often than not the results are favorable.

At 10:21AM on 10 May 2010, CP CHEW Ban Seng, Rotary E-Club of 3310 wrote: For those who are familiar with NLP, let us learn from the creative strategy of Walt Disney which includes three personnas: - The first is the Dreamer who came up with the visionary idea. - Then, there was the Realist who balanced the issues of time, money, resources and managment to make the vision a reality. - Finally, you have the Critic who questioned whether the resulting product - was really worth it. We need all three roles. So, use this difficult person from the perspective of "The Critic" and work from there... :-)

At 10:19AM on 10 May 2010, anonimous wrote: Make him President. It worked for us !

At 10:09AM on 10 May 2010, rosemariecsn@yahoo.com wrote: Sometimes we grow through other people's experiences, thus the reason some choose to write biographies: to help others not to make the same mistakes or give them ideas on to pursue similar career paths. Criticism is healthy but not all take kindly to a negative kind of advice. As a lawyer, I have learned to say: " If I were you, I would have done it this way..." We are all different, different in thought, persuasion and best of all personality. I learned to stay clear of people who have hurt me on more than one occasion but when one is a member of a club they ought to have an open mind with one thing in mind- we are part of Rotary because we all endeavour to be upright and serving citizens of our country. What greater joy can we experience than service to mankind? Rosemarie Choo-Shee-Nam Attorney-at law, Mediator, Legal educator

At 9:29AM on 10 May 2010, Ann wrote: Leaders leading leaders is a recipe for very high level interaction-not all of it too sweet. The critical racket gives you a chance to get some work out of the fussy Rotarian. My remedy is to go for the greatest good for the greatest number and you get more service above self even if you need ear muffs!!!!

At 9:24AM on 10 May 2010, Serge Dugal wrote: Well, i would ask what solutions he would do to change those things.

At 9:13AM on 10 May 2010, Dibakar Ray. wrote: As you mentioned that "he has always been an active member " it means from some reason that active person has become inactive, that might happen for n number of reasons. You need to identify. If you are a business owner,& having a production unit, from one machine you used to get productions...if all of a sudden, if that machine stop production what will you do with that machine ???*** what machine is not having , but human is...that is emotion, & just because of this some one sacrifice his life( most precious) & some one takes others ( punishable offence ).

At 9:12AM on 10 May 2010, PE Cristy G. Gallano wrote: A critical member is a gem as well as a challenge. Keep in constant contact with him even in matters not directly related to club operations. Building up a rapport with difficult members is an accomplishment by itself.

At 9:11AM on 10 May 2010, Prakash Saraswat wrote: The 'negative' comments are from those who: 1) Do not want to take risks and are actually just warning the current leadership to look at all aspects before deciding on something. 2) Those who did not do anything when they led the club and are now feeling 'inferior'. The current leadership should discuss with (1) and try to make them change with times and learn to ignore (2)

At 9:03AM on 10 May 2010, n Capt. M. shafi wrote: Yes, you agree with the difficult member and ask for his suggestion. But you will not get any. Then politely ignore him

At 4:35PM on 7 May 2010, Rubens S Thevenard wrote: Will Duke made a good point. But when the fellow member is very negative I will suggest to give him some job to do. Aside the constructive criticism, "he" will face the problems like everybody does and you keep your friendship safe.

At 4:06PM on 7 May 2010, Will Duke wrote: Critical doesn't mean wrong, but it isn't always constructive. Also, remember that a critical comment usually only comes from someone that cares. If they don't care, they don't comment at all. I assume from the question that this hypothetical member is not offering constructive criticism; yet. I would try something like. "You have a good point. Do you have an alternative approach?" This way you can capture this critical thinker into the process of finding a solution.